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Post by john-uk on May 20, 2005 5:59:09 GMT -5
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some not a very nice person's got my pen."
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Post by SierraMike on May 20, 2005 6:27:50 GMT -5
hehehe LOL John......ok i ve got one too! ;D ;D ;D
The End of the World: God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to come to a conference. And, when they were all there, God said: "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth, so I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Bill Clinton called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced: "I've got good news and I've got bad news The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that He's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Boris Yeltsin called into session the Communist Party and announced: "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. The worse news is that He's going to destroy the Earth in a week."
Bill Gates, meanwhile, called all of his programmers, marketing experts, and administrators together and announced: "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the 3 most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows XP."
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Post by C.@.T on May 20, 2005 11:15:06 GMT -5
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document the repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crew lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas pilots (marked P) and the solutions (marked S) recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident... P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement S - Almost replaced left inside main tire
P - Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough S - Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
P - Something loose in coc kpit S - Something tightened in coc kpit
P - Dead bugs on windshield S - Live bugs on back order
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear S - Evidence removed
P - DME volume unbelievably loud S - DME volume set to more believable level
P - Friction locks cause throttle lever to stick S - That's what they're for
P - IFF inoperative S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
P - Suspected crack in windshield S - Suspect you're right
P - Number 3 engine missing S - Engine found on right wing after brief search
P - Aircraft handles funny S - Aircraft handles warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious
P - Target radar hums S - Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P - Mouse in coc kpit S - Cat installed
P - Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer S - Took hammer away from midget
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Post by john-uk on May 20, 2005 17:09:44 GMT -5
lol i like it ;D
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Post by SierraMike on May 21, 2005 7:30:35 GMT -5
LOL hehehehehe ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by joggl on May 21, 2005 10:07:06 GMT -5
LMAO. Well, now I know why u use a joystick:
P - mouse in thingypit S - C@T installed (no more mouse left)
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Post by C.@.T on May 21, 2005 12:10:06 GMT -5
this forum doesn't like naughty words you have to space out letters in words like coc kpit to fool it lol otherwise you fly your comanche from the thingypit
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Post by john-uk on May 21, 2005 14:12:23 GMT -5
lol cat yeah i noticed that to coz thats not where the doctor said he had left his pen
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Post by SierraMike on May 21, 2005 17:50:44 GMT -5
This Forum is has censored! Thats why some "words" don t work LOL!
I hope you understand this.
Don t stop your jokes LOL
Here my next favorite jokes aber men and women:
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to unerstand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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Post by joggl on May 22, 2005 2:46:39 GMT -5
training session: ....c o c k p i t, c o c k p i t, c o c k p i t, c o c k p i t, c o c k p i t, c o c k p i t....
Hey! I can do it!
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Post by C.@.T on May 22, 2005 6:04:15 GMT -5
showoff ;D
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Post by john-uk on May 26, 2005 8:27:28 GMT -5
There was a blond that sat down in first class of an airplane going to Chicago. A stewardess came over and told her that she needed to move back to coach because this was someone else's seat. She said "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class." Well the stewardess didn't know what to do so she went and got the head stewardess and told her what happened. So the head stewardess goes over the the blond and says that she needs to move back to her seat in coach. The blond replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class" Well neither stewardess knew what to do so they went and got the captain. He tells the blond that she needs to go back to her seat in coach. She tells him "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class" The captain leans down and whispers something in her ear and she jumps up and runs back to coach. The stewardess' ask him what he told her to finally get her to move. He says "First class isn't going to Chicago" ;D
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Post by SierraMike on May 26, 2005 9:00:54 GMT -5
hehehehehe ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by joggl on May 26, 2005 11:28:34 GMT -5
LMAO. 2 seats in the comanche. We always have to look that the second pilot has the same place of destination...
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Post by john-uk on May 27, 2005 9:12:35 GMT -5
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady . "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? " "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the pregnant doges." ;D
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