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Post by joggl on Sept 19, 2005 5:43:02 GMT -5
Loooooooool!! ;D ;D
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Post by Jup Masta on Sept 19, 2005 7:44:47 GMT -5
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Post by C.@.T on Sept 19, 2005 12:04:52 GMT -5
where do you get all these from !!!!!!!! keep them coming there great
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Post by john-uk on Sept 19, 2005 18:27:44 GMT -5
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked his friend. The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my thingy stuck in the neck of the bottle." ;D
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Post by john-uk on Sept 20, 2005 4:48:12 GMT -5
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 10. d**n, I missed the hole again.
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Post by john-uk on Sept 21, 2005 4:02:52 GMT -5
Al and Joe two guys are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money renting our very own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it down there." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, and all. They travel down to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration to the large crowd below! So Al jumps........... Al bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comesfback up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he goes down again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up.This time, he is pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?" ;D
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Post by john-uk on Oct 6, 2005 8:47:52 GMT -5
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with . . a misdewiener!
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Post by joggl on Oct 9, 2005 3:20:39 GMT -5
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "d**n it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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Post by joggl on Oct 9, 2005 3:24:25 GMT -5
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
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Post by joggl on Oct 9, 2005 3:26:53 GMT -5
This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.
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Post by joggl on Oct 9, 2005 3:29:48 GMT -5
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."
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Post by john-uk on Oct 21, 2005 8:17:56 GMT -5
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh nuts, it's started"
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Post by john-uk on Feb 22, 2006 6:57:20 GMT -5
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I want him to be gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, be not annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I want this man to love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a nuts.
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Post by john-uk on Mar 6, 2006 20:11:35 GMT -5
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant," Is that how the men do it?" No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town wherethe girls are.
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Post by joggl on Mar 7, 2006 3:48:31 GMT -5
LMAO
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